Category Archives: Memory Lane

We all have favorite memories of our past, some not so favorite, but they leave a mark on our souls.

Where Are You From?

We are all from somewhere.  The sum of our birthplace, past residences, current home, even non-physical emotional “places” combine to inform our senses of self.

I am “from” Baltimore, more specifically Fell’s Point, more specifically what was once Baltimore’s most heavily Polish immigrant neighborhood.  Baltimore was second only to Ellis Island as a point of entry for the immigrant waves of the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries.  After a typically arduous ocean crossing, many Baltimore-bound immigrants settled near where the ships docked at Locust Point or stopped after the short ride across the harbor to Fell’s Point.    

But even more precisely, I am from Ann Street, from the house my maternal grandparents built, a unique double row house that they constructed in 1930-31, first demolishing the two homes there and building upon the original 1855 foundations.   For grandfather Nikodem, or “Tata”, this was the culmination of his American dream, the reward for surviving the Russians, making the journey, learning a new trade.  In those adjoining spaces, he carved out his photography business, his family residence, a commercial rental, and a tiny residential rental.  With two additions, it maxed out at 5000 contiguous square feet of living space in all senses, with personality, breadth, and breath.

The studio closed in 1955, before I was born, so my siblings and I knew the house directly only as a family home.  We six and our parents occupied about half the total area in what had been the public space of the business and the residence of Tata’s (my mother’s) family.  Our maternal aunt and her husband lived in “the apartment” upstairs which was an amalgamation of the old reception room for customers waiting for their photography appointments, the former tiny rental apartment on the second floor of the second row house, and the “galleria” (gallery) –  the huge room that spanned the front part of the second floor of both row houses, with its two large skylights, street-facing double French windows fronted with ironwork, massive scenery backdrops, industrial lighting, and props for staging the formal portraits of the time.  

The first floor of the second row house had been rented as a tailor shop, then used for storage before my aunt and uncle fixed it up for entertaining.  There they put the “nice” furniture, including the brocade sofas and chairs that were worthy of placement in any local funeral parlor.  My sister, Claire, and I, who as very small girls were expressly forbidden from that space when it was storage, once got locked in the enclosed display window there until a woman knocked at my mother’s door telling her that there were two little girls in the window next door, crying, and did she know who they were?  Our adorable tear-stained faces gave us little leverage for having disobeyed Mom.

In the basement was Tata’s darkroom, its eeriness unrelieved by its tiny window, filled with the mysterious chemicals, tools, and accoutrements used to develop film.  The remainder of the basement – a cellar, really, partly concreted but with stretches of dirt crawlspaces and the clear aura of past energies randomly pulsing through it – was a work area for hanging photos to dry and storing negatives and equipment, plus the physical plant: boilers, water heater, pipes and such.  My father later used it as a place to write, having been forced from his study by the increasing number of his offspring.  How he managed to produce anything readable down there in the always slightly damp, always slightly uneasy environs remains a wonder to me. 

A concrete yard, a small garden, and two walk out porches were our outdoor space, small to any suburbanite yet expansive compared to that of the typical Baltimore row house.   There was room to hang laundry, to play our favorite games like “Heidi” or “Polish Refugees” (What? You didn’t play “Polish Refugees”?), to dig mud holes and build towns from appliance boxes and sheets, and to bury dead birds and goldfish.

My grandmother, Jadwiga, had died in 1947 and when Tata died in 1964, his four children inherited the house.  My parents and resident aunt and uncle bought out their siblings’ shares so the home remained in the family.  Through another generation of inheritance, it has passed to Tata and Jadwiga’s grandchildren – my generation. 

We have been renovating the house for some years now as money allows, recovering it from years of benign neglect.  We’ve made a big dent in the infrastructure repairs and refits and we’ve made headway on some cosmetic fixes, but it progresses slowly as none of us live there full time.  

But our true inheritance, and the Ann Street upshot is this: no one who has lived in this house has ever fully left it.  They did not need to.  Purchase overtures have been made and rebuffed, therefore no new family, and certainly no drooling developer in the now “gentrified” formerly working class, immigrant waterfront neighborhood, have been welcome.  Whether family, friend, or passersby, Ann Street is steward of something from every resident.  Some exited Ann Street on foot and others feet first; but not a soul took it all when they departed.  Some, in fact, left it all.  

Once the home was built, my grandparents and aunt never lived elsewhere. My mother was born in the house and while she nearly escaped its orbit after nursing school, she returned after a scant few years, husband in tow, to bear us, raise us, and take care of Tata as he declined.  The aunt and uncle who moved out, left behind clothing, scrapbooks, letters, and furniture.  Only Jadwiga, realizing her imminent premature death, had taken pains to dispose of personal letters and belongings, yet even she didn’t get to everything.  And having been laid out at home, her casket flanked by the living room wall sconces where the sofa now sits, Jadwiga left much more than tangibles.   Even my mother’s friend, Harry, who roomed at the house for a few years, breathed his heart attack-induced last breath before the front stoop, leaving behind all of his earthly chattels.

We six continued the contributions, starting our adult lives unfettered by our childhood paraphernalia.  The house was large and accommodated the volume, if not stylishly, completely.

As our labor of love advances, we have found ourselves the unwitting archivists of extremes: Along with literally thousands of photographs by Tata and others including many of community historical significance, family letters from Poland, personal notes and cards, precious pre-WWII Polish folk art tchotchkes from Jadwiga’s little Polonia Gift Shop, and wonderful genealogical finds, we have sorted through years’ worth of National Enquirers and Cosmopolitans, hundreds of newspaper-clipped articles and recipes, and a boxes upon boxes of flotsam of no significance. 

Why not just chuck it all?  Because among the Enquirers and within the deteriorating leaves of acid-papered hardback books, we will inevitably find a few sheets of a family personal journal; a baptismal certificate in Polish; an irreplaceable notebook of Jadwiga’s efforts to learn English; Tata’s naturalization certificate.  We assume nothing.  We leaf through everything.  We are often rewarded and we dread to miss something.  Of money, we found just one $20 bill and dispatched it by ordering pizza.  No hidden millions in this house!

Now we are five sisters and we like each other’s company very well, especially when telling family lore and laughing until we cannot breathe (we lost our dear brother, our “muscle” and humorist, in 2014).  A box of letters and papers that some could sift through in a trice is a full evening’s entertainment for us.  Faced with generations of treasures mixed with oddments mixed with castoffs, from a large family that loved and loves to read, and that is rife with unorganized artists and packrat writers, we despair that we will finish in our lifetimes.  Yet as each person is remembered, discussed, laughed over, sometimes lamented, they join us, they light up the room, they fill the house until it is bursting with their semblance.  It can be done no other way.

I am of this house, this family, this history.  I am “from” it and it holds me willingly, loosely, yet tenaciously.    Still, we are not its completely original inhabitants, and those keep their place here as well, typically secreted in the confines of the foundations, drifting up from time to time to remind us we aren’t alone, we aren’t first. I have traced prior ownership of the two properties back to 1876 and with a bit more sleuthing, I’m sure I’ll get to when they were just lots being developed in the burgeoning Baltimore waterfront of the period.   I hope I can ferret out details to supplement our sensibilities and guesses since while we don’t know many of the prior residents by actual name, we do know some by the names we’ve given their shades.  

But that story is for another time.





The Road to Prosperity is Paved in Clichés

Don’t you just love clichés?  Last evening, I was watching Dead Like Me on Amazon prime, and I took special note of episode 9, because the dad’s lecture struck a chord with me.  He said, “When you are suffering, truly suffering, it is the clichés that heal you … They are the things that have stuck to the wall.”  So, I thought back at the first cliché I recall, the one that ‘stuck’ for me, and it is a rhyme.  I continued to recall others, and I realized this would be the topic of today’s blog, beginning with,

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But names will never hurt me.
     – Old English Rhyme, mid 1800s

Many of us remember this rhyme from childhood.  As children, my sisters and I would wield this rhyme like armor against those who’d hurl shame and slander upon our good names!  And we got our fair share of the same back, but bravado didn’t lessen the pain.

Where the rhyme is meant to keep us calm in the face of childish assault, the reality is words hurt more than physical pain.  Where action is concrete and observable, we often don’t know the true intent behind words without action, especially when they don’t match; they are incongruous.  Enter the proverb,

Actions speak louder than words
     – Attributed to Abraham Lincoln, 1856 and
Anecdotally to Mark Twain (unconfirmed), 1834-1910

I remember hearing this little ditty for the first time in my high school English class.  It made sense to me, because we may say we’ll do something, but often do not.  Further, we can ‘see’ and ‘feel’ action, it is knowable.  Words, on the other hand, can easily be changed and avoided, often twisting them to hide intent.  And as many of us know, 

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
     – Attributed to Samuel Johnson, 1790, who

referenced St. Bernard of Clairvaux’s earlier
sermon, ‘hell is full of good wishes or desires’, 1150

I can only surmise St. Bernard’s meaning given the context as a sermon, that people can say something that sounds good, but their true intent is evil. We see this often enough in our government and political platforms.  Many pundits and politicians will say anything to get our attention and win elections without any concern for voters.  After they are elected, they forget their promises or succumb to the political machine.  Talk about a road to hell … one can only hope

Where intent goes, action follows.
     – Sanskrit religious concept, Karma

As you can tell, clichés are truly embedded in our culture and our subconscious.  Though professional writers tell us to avoid these overused and ‘trite’ phrases, they persist.  We use them to express ourselves, knowing we will be understood in any context.  Unlike good intentions, clichés leave no doubt about their meaning.

Good deeds speak louder than good intentions;
And a good cliché will never die.
     – BJ, Women’s Guild, 2016

You heard it here first, folks!

Dedicated to my sisters.

In Honor of My Brother

Recently, my brother passed away from cancer.  I have no doubt many of you have experienced similar situations.  My family is coping with my brother’s death, but like any such loss, we are struggling to fill the void left behind by his absence.  He is in our hearts forever, but that does not change how much we miss him here on earth.  There is never enough time.

My brother was married with children, and they took on his care.  My contribution was to call and give him a pep talk to keep fighting.  During those conversations, we talked a lot about cancer and research, doctors, nurses, doctor’s visits, pain, sleep, and comfort.  We talked about vitamins and supplements, whether he was or was not taking them, how much, and when.  Of course, we talked about love and family too.

Half way through his year long struggle with cancer, I came up with a few notes, a compilation of information gleaned from our conversations and family members.  Based on the amount of information we shared, you’d think he was fighting cancer for a long time – well in fact he was.  You see, his wife had cancer for 3 years, and she was only a few months in remission when he was diagnosed with the same type of cancer.  Two of our cousins also passed away from cancer during the same timeframe.  So, really, he fought cancer for a very long time.

And this is the information I wish to share on my brother’s behalf – HOW TO FIGHT CANCER.  Though he lost his battle with cancer, he became an expert advocate on cancer treatment, and the quality of life as a result:

  1. SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT ACTION TO TAKE; FIGHT CANCER AS A TEAM. Build a personal support system to help fight cancer – chances are better if we do.  We know for a fact that two or three sets of eyes and ears at every appointment results in more and better information and treatment.  The team is the watchdog.
  2. GET SECOND AND THIRD OPINIONS. Yep, need to get a second and third opinion.  This increases the probability of an accurate diagnosis and sets the tone with the medical support team that we mean business and will hold them accountable.
  3. KNOW THY CANCER. Make sure the doctor shares everything s/he knows about the cancer diagnosis, then go online and do the research on your own.  Initially, spend hours online asking questions and discovering the nature of the cancer, and continue research as a lifelong project.  Every cancer is different, therefore every treatment can be different.  Require a DNA profile of the cancer so the doctor can develop and apply the appropriate treatment plan.  Doctors are human just like us, and s/he cannot possibly know everything there is to know about cancer.  The best oncologists are open to new information.  If they are resistant, find another doctor immediately.  Don’t forget to have regular scans to keep an eye on the cancer in the rest of your body – cancer is sneaky.
  4. KNOW YOUR DOCTOR AND HIS/HER TEAM. Is your doctor a good fit for you and your type of cancer?  Is s/he willing to learn and adopt new and innovative cancer treatments?  Research your doctor and his/her credentials.  My family prefers an oncologist or specialist outside a hospital setting as the routine physician.  Physicians in an office setting spend more time with their patients because they are not controlled by the hospital or its schedule.  Of course, every doctor must have great relationships and referrals to better hospitals when hospital services are needed.  Whatever your choice, get to know your doctor and his/her team well – by name, birthday, and general preferences.  These people, your medical support team, are your extended family for the long or short haul.  Please remember, these are people, not gods.  They make mistakes just like the rest of us – be patient, but be active in the decisions regarding your life.
  5. SHARE INFORMATION WITH YOUR TEAM. Share research and inquiries with every member of both the personal and medical support teams.  Everyone is a member of the team, and they all bring a different perspective to problem-solving.  Put together a ‘play book’ – track everything.  Don’t be shy when it comes to survival; and don’t be shy when it comes to pain.  If you are in pain, tell the doctor.  It is easier and smarter to address pain when it first starts; otherwise it will become too difficult to manage.
  6. CHALLENGE YOUR MEDICAL TEAM. Discuss alternative therapies with the doctor – motivate him/her to think outside the box.  Cancer comes in many forms, so the treatment must fit your circumstances, not a cookie cutter version of cancer.  This is why it is so very important to keep track of your cancer – get regular scans to keep an eye on the rest of your body.
  7. BE PREPARED FOR AN ASS KICKING. That’s right, family and friends will be there for you to keep you motivated.  Fighting cancer is not only physically draining, it is soul sucking.  You will get tired – of everything.  When you do, you will be kicked while you are down, because people love you, and will do whatever it takes for you to regain that fire in your eyes to take the next step.  So please, yell and shout all you like, but always know those who love you have your best interest at heart.
  8. CONSIDER VITAMINS AND SUPPLEMENTS AS PART OF YOUR PRESCRIPTION ROUTINES. They help your immune system.  You can find all kinds of great information online – but know your sources.  Check with all your doctor first to be sure there are no adverse interactions with your medications.
  9. BE PREPARED FOR CHEMO – AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Your body will react in ways you never thought possible.  The chemo side effects sometimes cause secondary health issues that will require specialists and more medication than you thought you could possibly take.  Your kitchen counter will look like a pharmacy.  You will feel as if your body is not your own – you may lose your sense of self.  Chemo impacts your mind and body, from “taste buds to toenails” as one family member mentioned.  A good way to counteract this assault is to go big and go better:
    • Prepare the best foods (not expensive) to eat well and eat often – become a grazer (meat and greens) and go organic whenever possible.
    • Take supplements to support your immune system. Drink smoothies and shakes – become a juicer.  See below recipes and list of supplements.
    • Sleep as much as possible – naps throughout the day will be required whether you like it or not, so build a few nap nests with cozy blankets and pillows (silk seems to be a preference for some) minus the alarms and cell phone interruptions. At night, sleep at least ten hours straight.
    • You will get bored, so spend time on your favorite hobbies when you are awake and in control of your body (and mind), but don’t overdo it. You will overdo it, and there will be consequences, so think carefully before you undertake any physical activity that could compromise your recent successes.

I miss my brother along with others who have passed on.  I know I will meet them again someday.  Meanwhile, I will do better at life.  I will take what they left behind in my heart and do better.  I love you, bro.


Additional reading:  Fighting Canine Cancer

Happy Halloween!

When we were kids (I’ve been wanting to say that for a while now) we had so much fun dressing up for Halloween as princesses and queens, cowgirls and Indians, nurses and waitresses, soldiers and Cossacks, old women and old men, girl scouts and boy scouts, hippies and dudes, Italians, Irish, and Poles, (I lived in a very diverse neighborhood), and much more, with no ill intent.  The only goal we had in mind was to have fun, get as much of our favorite candy as possible, and be anyone other than ourselves … it WAS so much fun!  And we had fun at school too.

We did presentations on our costumes in class.  It gave everyone an opportunity to experience other cultures and ideas, have fun and eat candy in the classroom!  No one thought our costumes were derogatory or degrading to another culture.  Everyone defended their make-believe persona; no one wanted to be ridiculed – at least none that I knew in school.  I’m sure there were some out there in the world whose intent was not honorable, but as long as those of us held true to our intent, they did not infiltrate our sacred circle of trick-or-treaters!

So why am I blogging about Halloween and costumes?  Because Halloween reminds me to take a step back and remember that it is a time of possibilities.  It is a time to remember I can laugh at myself and learn to forgive.  I can be silly and not so serious.  Halloween is much more than dressing up and devising clever ways to get the best candy.  It is a time to be more than I am … it is the start of a parade of holidays … Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa to name a few.

In closing this blog, I encourage those who wish to use the holidays to elucidate and educate, to do so with good intent, respect and kindness, and to remember it comes with responsibility.  Every action we take, positively or negatively, affects all our lives.  Where intent goes, action follows.

Happy Halloween!

P.S.  See how others celebrate Halloween